Thursday, October 24, 2013

Not what you expect

Well it has been quite a while since I have written anything about whats going on with me. The last time I went to the doctor I got a good report.  She was pleased with the progress with the Chemo, and in two weeks I may even get to quit taking it for a while.  I also was taken off of one of the medications I was on for seizures.  Another good thing, right?   So how is my life going?  Not so good.  So you ask why would I not be excited about what is good reports about the tumor and not having to take so much medicine....well I am happy about that, the problem is life.  Here, a year and a half after being diagnosed, I have crashed.  I don't know what started it.....I have a loving family and some great friends, so what happened?  I spent a long time to start opening up about it to anyone, even my wife.  Mainly I didn't know how to express the way I felt.  I isolated myself and got to the point of thinking about things that no person should.  This depression had gotten consuming to the point I could not sleep giving me even more time to think about it.  I started talking to my wife about a week ago, she knew I was going through something but not what.  It helped to talk to her about it, even though I didn't want to burden her with even more problems.  I also opened up to a good friend of mine and told him a lot of what has been going on.  It is hard for a guy to open up about deep personal things to another guy.  It is not in the "Man code" to do so.  He went through a similar thing after an even in his life about a year and a half after it had happened.  So he understood, kind of, what was going on.  So with their help, I have started climbing out of that dark hell that I do not want to fall back into.  I have a long ways to go before I can say I am "back" but I am making progress.  Yesterday, my wife sent me a link to a youtube video.  I have heard the song many times, it is a well written song.  The thing was, until she sent me that I had not really listened to the words.  The video also included the words to the song.....I started listening and reading the words and realized that the person that had wrote it, wrote it with me in mind.  It describes how and what I feel.  Maybe of the 3 people that will read this blog, one of you feel the same and can understand.  Here is the video:

Thank you to those that recognize that others are hurting and give a shoulder to cry on.  Being a Christian is not yelling at those that do something wrong.  It is the whispering voice telling the crying friend that it will be alright.Be that shoulder, be that whispering voice to those around you.  Show them that God loves them.