Dark Room

The last couple of days have been strange for me.  This feeling I have gotten once or twice before has come back and it is really indescribable.  I wonder if this is what it feels like to have no hope, or if it is what it feels like to be apathetic.  Is it a feeling that makes you want to say…”I am here, but why?”  It really weighted me down this morning going to work.  It is like being in a large pitch black room by yourself.   I wish I knew why I feel this way, or at least had a clue.  It affects my wife and my two boys; they can tell when something is going on with me even though my personality can change in an instant.   I wish they did not have to go through all of this with me.  I wish they would have a normal life, instead of the roller coaster that we are on.  I know God’s timing is perfect.  I wish though that He would show me why my life is headed in the direction it is sooner than when I get to that point.  I pray O Lord that You guide me to do only Your will in my life, no matter what it is.  I still pray for that amazing God given miracle in my life, no matter what the actual miracle is, as long as it points to you.

I am Yours God.

My Favorite Meal ever

Today my pastor's lesson was on the Lord's Supper.  He spoke on the importance of eating in the bible, and how the Lord used meals as a time to teach us more about Him and bring us together and learn more about each other.  One meal in the bible that really had new light shed on it was the Passover.  I have heard about the Passover feast many times on my almost 44 years, but I had never realized that the Passover itself was God revealing what he was going to do for us in Jesus.  The blood of the Lamb without blemish (Jesus) was spread over the door post (Cross) to keep those inside from suffering from death.  Wow!  What an amazing foreshadowing of what was to come for all of us. God is amazing in using everything in His book to point to Himself and to also show us that He loves us.
The funny thing was that Pastor Dean asked us to think of the best meal we have ever had.  Most would think of the famous restaurant they have ate at...or the most expensive. Funny thing was that what popped into my mind wasn't any of those.  It was a meal that I had with my community group at Sir Pizza in Randleman when we had pretty much everyone there.  I remember standing at one end of the room we were in and looking at everyone interact.  It was a surreal feeling, like I wasn't there and watching everyone talk to each other.  But, I was there of course and enjoyed every minute of it.  Yes, this past Thursday, I ate Thanksgiving with my family and parents and was a great time, but my favorite meal so far in life was eating pizza with the rest of my family at Sir Pizza.

Amazing things God has done

It has been a few weeks since I have wrote anything in the blog so I thought I would share a few things that have happened.   Just to back track, I went for my latest 2 month check up and found that the tumor had slightly grown.  Also, they were concerned about an area inside the tumor enough to where they wanted me to start Chemotherapy.  As soon as the doctor told me this, I said I did not want to do that.  She asked me why and I said that I had already set out a timeline in which this didn’t fall into.  In my mind I did not think I would start any kind of treatment for another 4-5 years.  So for her to tell me that I needed to do this now, well, was unacceptable.  It took 45 minutes of arguing with her before she convinced me that I needed to start it now.  As of this Wednesday, I will have been on it for one month.  So far I have not had any bad side effects from the treatment.  The treatment is actually in Pill form and I take it every night before going to bed. I will have to do this a year total. 

 There have been some good and bad things that have happened because of this.  The bad…..I now spend $500.00 a month out of pocket for the Chemo medicine and the other medicines that I have been taking.  This is exactly $500.00 more than I have a month extra to spend.  But God has already started to show me that He will provide for me.  A few weeks ago a friend of mine called to talk because we don’t get to talk often and to see how I was doing.  We talked for a while when he asked what could he do to help me.  I told him that I was ok and there was really nothing he could help me with.  We started talking about other things and he asked again what he could do to help me.  I said everything is fine except the amount of money that I have to pay out of pocket for the medicine.  He told me he wanted to help me with that and two days later he deposited money in my bank account that equaled two months cost of medicine…..God is so awesome.  Another time a few days later I went to blow the leaves off of my lawn.  Already my riding mower and push mower had stopped working around August or September.  Now my blower would not start.  I posted on a group I started on facebook called “Buy Local” wanting to know if anyone knew of a good local lawn care company that could come out and remove leaves and mow the grass one more time.  The next day, my wife texted me and said a guy just knocked on the door and asked if this was the Elmore’s house.  Kara said yes and he said he was sent over to get my leaves up.  He did a great job and it took a little while to find out how he got there…a guy who I had not met, but was going to my church, found out that I needed lawn care service and sent his guy over to do it and paid for it.  I still have yet to meet him in person, but this was just another way God showed me that He is going to take care of me and my family. 

I don’t like to be the recipient of things like this, because I have always believed in paying my own way.  It is hard to accept….it feels like I am letting my family down.  However, God is showing me how he takes care of his Children.  As we have talked about at our church this weekend and in our building program we are currently going through, God doesn’t need our money to work, and besides that it is all his money anyway.  My family is going to follow Him in faith in our church’s building program…even though we know we do not have the money that we have committed to give to the program; we know that He will provide it to us just as He has over the last few weeks.  So if you are having problems with your finances, give it to the Lord with your whole heart and watch what He does.  It may not always be easy  but as long as you are doing it for His glory, in the long run it will be better.

Time is not your friend

Some of you have asked when I was going to update my blog again.  Well, I have finally decided to sit down and write.  Believe it or not, ever since I was diagnosed with a brain tumor in February, Kara and I have been the busiest we have ever been in our lives.  We used to be the boring people that sat together every night and watched TV.  Now we have something to do most every night and it has gotten to the point that we don’t have very much free time.  In fact I came home from work on Monday and put my pajamas on at 5:30. Kara asked what I was doing, I said I am going to go get in the bed and sit there till we go to sleep, and I did.   But during all of this hustle and bustle, both Kara and I have had time to talk to others about their lives, serve the Lord in ways we had never thought of before, and been able to get to know each other more. 

There is this thing that has been on my mind for several days that I thought I would share with you.  It is an analogy that hopefully will not be a wasted one and one that you cannot relate to so forgive me in advance if it does not make sense.  I was thinking about my life the other day and basically the time it has taken to get to this point.  So many days have passed since being born and so many memories formed some good and some bad.  I will be 44 on December 12, and looking back I see the biggest mistake is a pre-conceived notion of how long I have left in life.  I liken it to a gas gauge in a car.  We start out at full when we are born, then we base life choices on where that needle is on the gauge.  In our twenties, we look at the gauge and it may be around ¾ a tank.  So we say,” hey I can live like a college student for a while more.”  Then we get to around my age, in our forties, and see that the gauge is around ½ a tank.  We start worrying about having enough money to retire on, how to pay for our kids college (For those of us that had our children in our thirties) and we start looking at our life more seriously and wonder what life is really about.  If we are Christians, a lot of us start looking at maybe we should start taking our Christian life serious.  Start praying more, start serving more, and so many more things that we have probably only half-way did because we still had half a tank to go.  I know I have done this, and I regret it.  Know why?  Because the bottom half of the tank isn’t the same as the top half.  I have had many cars in my life, way too many.  But one thing I have noticed is how the gauge in the cars have all been different.  But one thing I have found on those cars is that the “top” half of the tank is never the same as the “bottom” half.  Most of mine had a larger top half than a bottom half.  This is true about life. Just because you are at ¾ or ½ don’t expect that to be a true indicator of how long you have left.  My father has become the oldest Elmore to live in our family lineage.  His father and grandfather both died in their 50s and 60s.  My father is now 79.  I have always kind of lined up his life with mine and thought I would follow right along behind him into my 80s.  This year I have found that out the hard way.  Where I thought I was at mid-life, I could actually be at end-life.  Those plans of serving God that I had for the future, when I had more time, could be wiped out.  The time I have spent to get to this point was more bench sitting than serving God.  Yes I am a Christian, but I did not serve as I should have.   Don’t let the needle be your guide, it is not correct.  You may or may not have the time you think you have.  Spend more time serving our Lord now, not later.  Spend more time with your family now, not later.  Pray more now, share your testimony now, visit your neighbors now……time is not on your side. 

An update

Well, some of you may be wondering where I have been.  I have been busy….I have been frustrated….I have been depressed….I have been many other things.  The last few weeks or months, not sure how long it has been since I “blogged” last, have been very stressful to say the least.  I have been having seizures quite frequently which have led to depression and frustration.  Each time I have one it feels like a setback. When I have 2 or 3 a day it becomes very depressing because it feels like I am losing the battle against the tumor.  Of course the battle is not up to me.  God has a plan.  I still do not know all of the details in this plan, but He has given me and Kara chances to share our story, from my side as the person with the tumor, as well as her side having to watch me go through it.  I have been amazed at how well she has done this too.  With all of this, running has become her outlet to relieve her mind from all of this.  She told a friend that running is the one thing she can control so she does it to give her a sense of control in a life where everything else feels out of control.  During this time she has gotten very serious about running and has really impressed me with her determination and dedication.  She ran a 10 mile race while we were at Disney and finished in the mid 50s out of 5800 women and in the mid 200s out of almost 10,000 men and women.  I am very proud of her.  During the last few months people have changed in how they have conversed with me.  People that I thought would be there for me no matter what, have not.  Others that I would have not considered close to me, have called at the right time or sent me a message of encouragement when I needed it.  So I have been surprised and disappointed all at once.  I have never been one to be there for people in need because I was not comfortable with situations that involved terminal illness or death, so I am sure that has something to do with it and understand.  But now being on the other side of the fence, I have found it to be a necessity to do what I can to be there for people when they are facing an illness or maybe even death.  I am still not good at it, but God has given me an ability to talk where before I could not. 

Well I go back on October 17 for my next 2 month check up.  Please pray that the tumor has not grown, and while you are at it pray that it shrinks, but either way please just pray.  Along those lines, please do not feel  “afraid” to talk to me about  anything.  I know some people don’t like to talk about their illness, but I am just the opposite.  So if you are wondering how I am doing, then please ask.  I don’t want to go through this with just my family.  We need support, your support

Whats really important

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the last few weeks.  Mainly on what is important in life. Of course we have ads bombarding us every day telling us what is important.  If I get an I-phone then I will be happier.  If I get a really nice car then that will be what does it for me.  Well we have let this bleed over into church too.  If   we go to a certain church and listen to the preacher tell us that God loves us and occasionally do something at church as our good deed of the day then everything will be fine and that will get us the chocolate bar with the golden ticket to get us in heaven and it will be ok.  The problem with our thinking today is that it is a load of crap.  Not a small dog turd, but a big elephant load of crap.  We are called to be different as Christians,  to step out of our comfort zone and help others.  Look at the bible, there are tons of examples that show us this.  Moses was a guy that could not physically talk in front of others.  But yet God used him to bring his people out of Egypt.  Noah was called by God to build an Ark when it hadn't rained...ever until that point.  People thought he was a lunatic, not just eccentric but certifiable. But Noah followed through with this anyway because God told him to do it.  So as Christians we should be different, but what does that mean?  Well it can mean many things.  But the main thing is to not be like the world.  If we look like, sound like, and smell like the world then what is the point?  Yes it is hard to do this.  But what is the point to be a Christian, if you are just like everyone else.  This doesn't mean to act holier than thou and to not associate with others that are not Christian.  It means to be genuine and give others something to long for.  This can be done without acting better than others.  This can mean to find ways to help others.  This means to be available to others, even if it is just to listen.  I have a long way to go on this.  I used to shut myself off from others because it is easier to do so.  Now I want every opportunity I can get to share with others, to listen to others, to help others.  I ask daily for God to put someone in my path to do something for.  Take an extra minute or two when you ask "How are you?" to listen and care what they say.  Make yourself available for this.  Invite your non-Christian friends to church, and live a Christian life in front of them.  If they don't go the first time, invite them the next time and keep inviting them.  DON'T GIVE UP!  I know this used to be just about me and my progress with the brain tumor I have.  God has given me such a burden for others over the last month or two.  A burden so powerful that I can't sleep a lot of the time.  I don't want others to waste their life like I have.  We have become consumers first but we need to be worshipers and doers for Christ.  It has taken 43 years to find a simple verse that is now the basis of life for me.  That is John 3:30 "He must become greater; I must become less."  Such a powerful statement in such a small verse.  But it has really instilled in me a new sense of purpose.  I hope you finish reading this and go away with a new sense of purpose as well.

Letters from the past...written for the future

One week from today is my 16^th wedding anniversary.  It so happened that the card that Kara gave me 51 weeks ago today is sitting on my desk at work.  It has been sitting there for quite a while without being read, and basically invisible to me, until today.  Today, I saw it and picked it up to read again….then I cried.  She wrote this many months before we would find out that I have an inoperable brain tumor that would change everything about our life.  The thing is, it has now taken on a very new meaning.   There are a couple of things that stand out that God knew I needed to read today.  1) Kara wrote…”we have made it thru such hard times in the past few years.  Most couples would give up but it has made us stronger and more determined to come out on top.”   Yes several things happened in the previous years that were hard to bear but we made it through it and also grew closer together. Looking back, I can now see why God put those things in our lives; it was to prepare us for now.  If we had not gone through those trials, we could not have been ready for this…period.  Though it is still tough, God knew what the next step was and was preparing us for it.  2)  Kara also said, “I am proud of your determination and the fact that you never give up.”    Wow!  That meant so much to me to know that she sees me as a fighter.  Through all my failures (Which at this point I cannot list all of them, nor would you want to know) she saw that I did not give up fighting.  That gave me a boost I needed today.  I have had the symptoms come back over the last few weeks, though right now they are not there, but every time it was not that it was painful or even scary, it was defeating to me to have to take more pills. (I can’t explain why that is)  This letter to me though written almost a year before now, has given me the push to keep on fighting and to be here as long as I can for and with my family.  I am far from being the best husband nor am I the model father, but I want to spend as many days with my family as I possibly can.  Thank you Kara for writing me this letter a year ago, it meant a lot to me then, but not like it does today.  I needed this today and God knew it, long before you even wrote it.